Country Roads

Baby, I just don't understand.  I don't understand how such an intregal part of our lives is suddenly gone.  Perhaps it is just my inability to be good at adulting?  I just don't know.  I have more questions now than I did before.  It's been six weeks - some days are good and some are dark...very dark.  I have been shown such kindness by complete strangers and moms on social media and been shunned by family members.  I don't understand.  Your family  - they never called.  They never texted and asked about the kids or if we needed anything.  Your niece did text.  No one else.  I knew this about them, but things can change people and I thought...maybe.  But they didn't.  

You should be here.  

He learned to tie his shoes and ride without holding on to the handle bars in one week.  He said you would be so proud and you would.  You should have been here.   He said you're watching.  Are you?  I asked God to let you.  Did He?  I am sorry.  I am so profoundly sorry for not doing better.  For not doing more. I was scared.   The stress in the last two years has been indescribable.  People say they understand.  They don't.  I never would have understood what that kind of stress could do to someone.  I am so sorry.   

He asked when he could have a new daddy.  How do you explain to a child these things?  He is so strong and adaptable.  Your older two are not as much.  There is nothing more heartbreaking than a message left on a phone that you will never get.  They miss you - deeply.  I do well most days now...sort of.  Today is hard.  I pulled out summer clothes and found that dress you bought me for a date we never went on.  We should never have said "later".  That is another thing I will never teach our children.  I will teach them there is only now.  Now is everything.  I am so thankful and sorrowful at the same time.  Is that possible?  I miss you.  

This song is for us.  For you.  I miss driving down country roads together with the kids throughout the US on your trips.  I miss our travels.  I wish we would have done more.   We should have done more.  We should have never waited - for anything.  I miss you.   I go to tell you things and you're not there.  We need to be on the road with you again.  It was who we were.  Close your eyes and listen, baby.  It's us.

I will always love you.