Everything Is Fine
It feels like you are drowning. Two years of chronic and deep stress of him being sick and everything that went with that. It feels like you are drowning and screaming for help and no one hears. People walk by going about their day and no one hears. You wonder how that could be? How can they not hear? How can they not see? Can they not see it in my face? Do they not know how deep the pain is? Life is forever altered from the last two years. It is altered from his passing. It is altered and will never be the same. Thirty years together and this is it? This is how is ends? It just cannot be. Someone please explain this to me. I was promised growing old and sitting on the porch rocking with him. The movies and shows on TV all said that was how marriage was. Right? I put in thirty years - stood be him twice when he was sick and all I got was bills, poison ivy (long story) and in-laws that hate me? I feel like that is a meme or tee-shirt waiting to be made.
Some days I just smile when people ask me how I am doing. They do the head-tilt of sadness when they ask. If you haven't seen the Friends episode of Richard explaining to Monica about the "head-bob" then watch it and get back to me.
That is what it is now. Head-tilts of sadness and condolences. I smile and answer, "Everything is fine, thank you." And "We're doing fine." Because who really wants to know the truth? Some days, however, I just look at them thinking there is literally no way to express how dark things are and how many questions I have. Why? What is the point? Why so much sorrow and pain? Why did he have to suffer so much? Why does my youngest son not get to grow up with his dad. Father's Day is coming and I think that most people do not know how much they should celebrate men. Men are a vital and most necessary part of our daily lives. How do people not know this? How on earth are they not celebrated every day?! Please. For me, for my children...hug your husband, your children's father and tell them how very much you appreciate all they do for you all. Don't wait. Tell him. Now not later.
Now Not Later